JOKE

[kathrine]

April. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in currencies in. The others are July, January, September, October, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

[kathrine]

How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?

Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait

[Mick]

The intricacies of the financial crisis

The intricacies of the financial crisis are not well understood. The explanation below arrived in my inbox and certainly seemed to assist in debunking the myths of the crisis.
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.
Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.
Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.
However they cannot pay back the debts.
Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.
The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.
Finally an explanation I understand

[kathrine]

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

[kathrine]

A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"

[Ivana]

Banker and Tailor

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. As he tried it on, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets but to his surprise found none.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "You're a banker, right?" The young man answered, "Yes, I am."

"Well, whoever heard of a banker put his hand in his own pocket?"

[Mick]

Investment Banker Jokes.

An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.



Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.



A man visits his bank manager and says, "How do I start a small business?" The manager replies, "Start a large one and wait six months."



If you owe the bank £100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank £100m, that's the bank's problem

[kathrine]

Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

[kathrine]

Chart - what you check after you exit trading, trying to understand what went wrong.

System Trading - a phrase you employ to explain to the Apprentice how your trade did not work out the way you meant.

Break – a pause you take when you have either 2 profitable or 5 unprofitable deals in a row.

Moving Average - a curly line that has nothing to do with the price movement if you have an open position.

Trend Line - an imaginary line on the price chart that only changes when the market is closed or when you are not looking.

Day Trading - trading which you start too late and exit too early.

Scalping - losing only an eighth in one go.

Confusion - 6 open positions.

Friday – a weekly opportunity to give back everything you gained that week.

[Ivana]

A collection of small jokes

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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"The president announced new budget slashes. And he's slashing education. It is a genius plan "when the kids graduate they won't have the math skills to calculate how much debt they're actually in." - Craig Ferguson
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After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.